Lately I've had a lot on my mind, things don't always get better or worse, sometimes they just change. Sometimes one aspect of your life improves, another worsens, and when you try to course correct you realize that you don't necessarily know what the solution ever was. But mostly, lately, I've just been sitting on my computer, sometimes working on things, often indecisive.

Really, it's not all bad though. Mostly I just don't know what I want to do a lot of days. It feels like I've got too many ideas for things I want to make. I know I can never make all of them. Yet, I often find myself wanting to try. So I wind up with a lot of horribly half finished abominations, things barely begun, things that never leave concepting. I'm trying to hunker down and finish things, but even after narrowing down my list of projects it still feels like too many.

My adult life as a creative has left me feeling a certain kind of way. I saw most of my creative successes as a teenager, probably in part because I actively partook in fandom. As an adult I haven't wanted to do that as much, and I'm not really interested in making fan content simply for the sake of "building an audience." The rat race of social media exhausts me, yet I still wish for my art to be seen. I've released 3 games, all short, simple, not very noteworthy, honestly. Yet I'm still saddened that they have been played by so few. I think if it weren't for the wonderful people I know now, the excellent fellow creatives who encourage me, I'd feel more negatively about the siituation than I do. Granted said released projects couldn't have happened without my friends help either. Shit's not all bad, promise.

My health has improved somewhat. It's still not really where I want it to be, but it's a certain level of consistent I'd been desiring. Less ping ponging around thankfully. In my attempts to keep it under control, I try to avoid stressing myself out too badly. I never thought my stress was all that bad until it turned out it was literally demolishing my body, so it's still a tough thing to grapple with, especially when I also need to face problems and solve them (stressful).

There's a lot outside that going on, also kind of nothing. My problems change and they stay the same. One thing that's become to clear to me since last year is that I really, really need to start making more money. I'm not really sure what I'm going to do about that so far, with my unfortunate inability to simply "tank" excessive stress, a lot of well paying job options feel closed off to me. And my local area is both expensive and lacking in jobs, it's a problem, frankly. I've been trying to look into what I can do to solve this, I'll get back to that once I have any answers.

So, 2026? What's the plan? New year resolution? I wrote some off the cuff thoughts on my bluesky a while back, and nearing the end of the month, my birthday upcoming, the year already beginning, and I feel like I'm walking in place already. I've certainly done things, I've made art, I've looked at work and thought about my options. But the lack of tangible progress haunts me a bit. I still want to finish DBAD and put it on steam this year, I'm going to continue work on my FPS prototype. I'm working on a Cool Secret Project that will hopefully come out at some point. But other than that? Man who fucking knows, and frankly who knows when those goals will even be done.

Hey hey blog. It's late as fuck on a Sunday night/Monday morning. My favorite time of day to be deeply self concious about how I'm feeling. Jokes aside I guess I just wanted to write a blog entry following up on the previous one a little. I didn't really explain what any of that was about because I didn't feel like I could. Wrote it in kind of a bad headspace, deleted most of it.

But yeah! Doing marginally better now. My life for a bit has kind of been lots of worrying about my health. The long and the short of it is that I'm experiencing hypertension! Fun! Doctors think it's stress related. I choose to believe it because I don't really have a better option than to do so. I'm medicated for it, and over the last few months now I've been trying to manage my anxiety over my health. I've dieted aggressively, lost like 30 pounds or something, gotten outside more, the whole nine yards. Real winner kind of attitude.

The result? Not much. My blood pressure is still high, maybe marginally better than it was most days. My heart rate is usually on the lower end for a healthy resting heart rate now, it still jumps up but that's normal. Most of my experience has been convincing myself that I am in fact, Not Dying (refer to previous blog post title). The stress has been rough, but I've learned to manage my anxiety better through this, and keep more mellow even when something isn't exactly how I want it to be. If I focus on breathing and relaxing, I can even get my blood pressure down to a healthy number, that probably counts for something.

But yeah, all this has really fucked with me, it's thrown a real wrench in my day to day activities. I'd say it's getting better at least. I've also started amassing the tools for an incredible comeback (lie). But really, I've got a new microphone that can do stereo audio, sounds better, a new GPU to better run games and shit. If/when I get back to streaming that shit should be crisp. With any luck at least. But For now I'm not planning to do it, the idea of performing still stresses me out I think. But once I'm confident in my health, I think I'd like to? Time will tell I suppose.

Mostly I've just been trying to enjoy myself, relax, take it a day at a time. I've been hanging out with my friends more, watching cool shows. We're doing weekly watch parties of The Summer Hikaru Died, wicked show, gay as fuck. I've been watching quite a few shows about non-standard romantic relationships really. It's always interesting to see people write a not-so typical love story. Introducing elements of fantasy also gives writers lots of liberty to get graphic or at least implicative in ways that I don't think they could do so easily in a more standard setting. It's a lot of fun, I guess I'm saying I really liked it when Hikaru opened up his hole and his boyfriend reached into i-

It's true! I'm really not, and every day I struggle to believe it.

Originally I wrote several paragraphs,

After thinking about it for at least five minutes; I took the plunge earlier this week and started working on this website! I'm pretty pleased with it all things considered. I want to add onto it and redo some stuff, but with the addition of this blog section, it's mostly complete. That being said, this blog post is mostly just here to fill space, make sure my shit is working properly. The works.

Thanks for reading though! Hopefully I can keep working on this site and have more interesting things to read soon.